Hidden in the depths of Toolband is the Tool August 2016 Newsletter, and it covers since suggestion of a Tool course and a McDonalds Tray Liner featuring a Tool fan:
I had planned for this month’s newsletter to be about a new course offered by select colleges and universities that will certainly be of interest to many Tool enthusiasts. The class is entitled, “Introduction, Production & Interpretation of Music Videos By Tool”, and is described in the curriculum guide as being an accelerated course about the band’s critically acclaimed video concepts. Now, I’m not trying to be anyone’s academic adviser – no, not this underachiever, who barely graduated from Miskatonic U. (go Black Goats!) – but just wanted to mention the prescribed requirements, credit hours, and enrollment details. I was also going to include a short interview with Adam Jones about his feelings on the new course, and whether or not he was going to participate in any way, such as classroom lectures or demonstrations of the video process via Google Hangouts tutorials, etc.? However, just as I was about to start typing, my attention was directed to some unread Tool email that urgently needed to be addressed.
One of the messages had the subject heading of “Free Advertising”, while another read, “Tool and Mickey D’s.” All were from Tool fans letting me know about something that they noticed while eating at McDonald’s. This was an advertising photo on their tray liner that depicted a happy “I’m Lovin It” family of four with the father wearing a classic TOOL tee shirt. (Note: The shirt is called, “Phurba” and depicts a stylized Buddhist ritual implement, although, in the spirit of McZen – what with golden arches, Happy Meals and such – I don’t think any Buddhist monks will get too upset in being associated with what’s on the McDonald’s menu.) The link below will take you to a photo of the tray liner that was posted on the reddit website.
As to my reply: I honestly didn’t know anything about the ‘Tool’ tray liner (After all, there’s an Inn ‘N Out close to where I live), and don’t know if anyone associated with the band is aware of it, or, for that matter, if they even give a McShit?
No, I didn’t know about the Mickey D’s thing, but, unless someone close to the band is pulling my leg, I did hear that another fast food chain – whatchamacallit – has purposed selling a special Danny Carey drumstick. Let me think… It isn’t Chick-Fil-A (of course!), and not Churchs Chicken either. Nor is it Popeyes, Roscoes, Pudgies, Chesters, Jollibee or Henny Penny. Oh, yeah – it’s Kentucky Fried Chicken (better known today as KFC, so as to keep your mind off of things like frying oil and trans fat). Again, if someone’s not yanking my chain, the D.C. signature drumsticks are going to be died purple (!), and imprinted with a fake grill mark in the form of a ‘charred’ unicursal hexagram. Evidently, KFC’s “World’s Largest Logo” advertising stunt – the gigantic visage of Colonel Cluck, himself, laid out in colorful tiles on the desert floor near Area 51, where it can be seen from outer space in satellite imagery – didn’t quite live up to the company’s expectations, and now they are looking for something even cooler.
(I know what you’re thinking: Too bad it wasn’t “Subway” that did this, with that Fogle guy’s face being seen from outer space, so that maybe the nasty greys would have come down and snatched him up – thinking that he was our leader.)
Cheese and crackers! Look at the clock. In keeping with my new policy of spending no more than 30 minutes on each newsletter (as long as I’m being paid in mcnuggets), my time is up.
HAPPY TRAILS
BLAIR
JUSTIN
DANNY
MAYNARD
ADAM
I don’t imagine there really is a Tool course happening, but Blair could be hinting at either the contents of a new video (perhaps featuring Opiate) or maybe the content of the VIP sessions on the upcoming tour.
Or it could be he’s referring to a few discoveries that Adam has posted on Instagram in the last week, below being an example:
There are no words. This is ‘Mama’s Family’ level dumb. Are actually serious about all this crap?
I expect you are taking this far more seriously than Tool or Blair.
Eh, admitted. All of this stuff to me is just beyond annoying in the face of 10 years and running….
I enjoy the newsletters. I find whiny posts like yours….over and over and over and over….quite annoying. I bet I’m not the only one. But do I need to post every. single. time. I get annoyed? Do I think the world (fourtheye) wants to listen to my cry baby bitchin’ and moaning? NO, I do not. Go wipe that leaky clitoris and do something constructive with your day. Peace.
Brutal…
Ok, right you are. “Family Matters” dumb.
Is there any other way to take a “newsletter”? Personally I’m still surprised people read this crap and its posted on this otherwise informative blog. I guess he amuses himself but I think I speak for the majority of the bands fans when I say this guy is not a crowd favorite. Mom taught me that if I have nothing nice to say to say nothing at all, so I won’t Blair bash but this information is utterly useless.
Actual Tool news is so few and far between at the moment that avoiding publishing newsletters here just results in nothing.
I pose the question is he only unpopular because he has no news to present?
It’s just the same words, over and over, in a different order everytime. It’s either some story about some random ass shit, that as I’m reading, I immediately think is fake and cryptic just for the sake of the ramble. Then there’s always two or three sentences about tool. It’s always, I heard some shit going down but can’t say anything. Or, the writing is progressing nicely…they have one full song written! But MJK hasn’t heard it yet. Or, the band have finally nailed the bridge in this song and are ready to move on to the ending. I just….never… Read more »
Never? You’re either exaggerating or haven’t read every single one.
I agree that more often than not the newsletters don’t have much good info, but never is incorrect.
Lol. Brilliant work as always Hellboi.
Blair will still email you for sure…
Dude, find me more than 3 references that have come to fruition. I dare you.
Since the newsletters began.
I’m with you Hexagone.
I stopped reading the newsletters years ago. I can’t handle his badly written ramblings.
I just come here where I know that Hellboy will post the most relevant information. That’s why I donate, and will continue to come back and support.
It baffles me how many fans are up in arms about not getting any “real news.” If there isn’t any news to give, what do you expect? I think it’s pretty evident some form of visual media is being prepared and Blair clearly references that. I’m sure he’s under a watchful eye when it comes to what and how much info he gives out in these newsletters. When whatever is being worked on is ready to be released the announcement will come… in the mean time, be patient.
I suppose some of the frustration could come from the fact that this is called a “Newsletter”… Without any real news it should just be called a “letter”?
Not complaining, just trying to understand the perception of others.
The album is coming, maybe not… I look forward to many artists that are working on new material. Each one released feels like a holding place for my TOOL anticipation.
still nothing. small newsletter. shame.
nah, i have to agree with people fed up with this b.s. oh, theirs no news so, blah blah, make excuses all you want. its annoying after how many years? and old. riddles or not its all b.s
No real band news ………..unless you count the tool tray as a reference to possible Canadian dates on this upcoming tour. Listen to Blair live on past children of Saturn radio podcasts……… I really would like to have a beer and bullshit with him…straight up…..the fucking stories to hear….. there is good tunes too………and some cool guests. curveball……..new direction……..time well spent….. .i think we are in for a treat…………but what is it……. decem boxset w\ opiate..the pot….rosetta stoned dvd……… maybe the band is going to do an album in its entirety from now on……………a whole new show….or even just half… Read more »