Subject of the 'Tool' song: "Hooker with a Penis"

ziggy23 · Post by **ziggy23** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 7:43 am

Â IAma Subject of the 'Tool' song: "Hooker with a Penis"

Rquested via:

I hope this satisfactorily fills your reddit request =)

I've only ever really told this story to a few close friends, mostly because...well, I've never considered a "proud moment" mostly because in retrospect my actions were self centered and foolish.

Since, I'm using a blind account to post this (because I'd like to keep my anonymity), and few of you probably aren't familiar with the area or time, there were some excellent bands coming out in those days. Many of them oddly enough had fella's(or ladies) that came from the Midwest. I just happened to be in a place and time when bands like, Tool, NIN and Manson were all getting signed, still playing small clubs in town and oddly enough, members of those bands and I knew the same folks. They would come home to visit after being out on tour or in LA recording and we'd bump into one another.

The story goes like this...and it's probably NOT what you expected...

I went to school at Kent State University in Kent, Ohio. It was the early nineties and things were going pretty damned well for me. I was in my early 20's, I'd just landed an awesome job, quit college to pursue it as a career, had a good group of friends, was making decent money and seemed to have the interest of a bevy of ladies, i.e., not a care in the world.

So, While out on a beer run with a roommate(to celebrate our good fortune) I notice a former classmate, who I thought was quite attractive and took a quick moment to hit on her and invite her back to our place for drinks. She informed me she couldn't join us that night as she was also having a party and the guest of honor was an old friend who was back in town, visiting for only a couple of days and that my friends and I were more than welcome to join them at her shindig. I quickly agreed, in the hopes of later making moves, got her info and went back to advise the roommate to restock half the booze he'd grabbed as it was going to be a night out. The roommate and I went back to the house, had a few drinks, cleaned up, loaded a couple extra friends in the car that had planned on drinking with us and headed over to the party with liquor and girls in mind. When we arrived at the party, we were introduced around, had some polite conversation with several other party goers, and started drinking. Everything was going good, except that the young lass that I had come to try my wiles on was obviously crushing on her old friend, who she constantly poked by calling him "Jimmy" and saying the "May-nerd Thing" was silly. She was proud of him, hot for him and mentioned that his band had just been signed to a "major label", twelve to forty times.

Feeling the 'brush off', I proceeded to have some more drinks, chat blandly with other guests and my friends, and felt generally deflated with the situation at hand.

Having had the momentary object of my affection, position a road closed sign on my subtle and not so subtle advances; it was time to burn some bridges in frustration. I was on the top of my game and figured maybe since I was irritated with the situation I could irritate someone else.

So I went up to the small gathering of folks around Jimmy and wormed my way into the conversation. I'd only just started hearing about Tool and knew little to nothing about them but I'd spent enough time people watching, hustling, working sales to know how to get folks to talk. The thought came up in my mind of all the bands that went from great to shit in a matter of years, bands that I felt were probably as good as or better than this guyâ€™s band and why not make it a point to bring it into the conversation. Which went kinda like this...

"So, Jimmy, where are you guys out of?" I asked.

"Well, we're based out of LA, now but we really got our start in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Where I went to school and call, me 'James' or 'Maynard', man. Nobody calls me 'Jimmy' anymore", he said.

"Grand Rapids, huh?â€ I responded." I think I saw you guys play up there, with a buddy of mine, while I was doing some OJT with a paving company I was working with"

"Really?!â€ he asked suprisedly. "Where did you see us play?"

"In Grand Rapids, at some sort of 'Punk Bar', that my friend said had bands all the time."

"The Reptile House?â€ he queried.

"That must have been it. Sounds, about right. I can't be sure though...I was pretty out of it a lot of the time between working and drinking", I replied.

"So what'd you think of the show and what had you in Grand Rapids?"

â€œI was doing some OJT with a paving company I was working with in '90 and crashed with my friend while I was up there. He took me a to a bunch of bars up there and we saw a few shows and well, I thought you guys were pretty good, but my friend said, 'it 'wasn't your best' that since you'd started getting a following you were 'kinda playing down to the crowd''.".

"Really?" he asked distastefully.

"Yeah, I thought you guys were good, but he was kinda pissed at it, he kept saying, 'that the shows you were playing at recently had been sad, compared to the earlier ones, that you were more worried about 'sucking up to the man', in the hopes of a record deal, than really letting the music out and that you were all just 'selling out''."

"We've worked our asses off on a getting the music out, man." he said with a haughtier tone. "If you're buddy doesn't dig it the way it's going, maybe it's because we're getting too polished for him. Maybe, he just doesn't like change. The band is getting better and the music is getting out. Nobody wants to be a garage band forever. Maybe we all sell out a little to get ourselves out there. Doesn't matter if itâ€™s art or music or selling cars...everything is a product. If we're selling out, we're just doing it as little as possible to get it all out there. I'm sorry, you're friend didn't like the show."

â€œNo it's cool, dude. He'll get over it. He'll find something else to keep him busy. I'm sure he'll find some other band that he doesn't think is 'laying down and taking it in the ass from 'The Man'."I offered, "But those are his words, not mine. Like I said, I thought you guys were good."

There was no 'friend of mine'. Iâ€™d never been on OJT (on the job training) with a paving company. I had never been to Grand Rapids, Michigan. I'd never heard of the Reptile House and found it had closed a couple of years before I moved to Grand Rapids a few years later. Everything I'd touted at James, had been from conversations my friends and I had had about bands that were dieing on the vine like Metallica. They just worked as fodder to put a bee in his proverbial bonnet and feeling that my mission to annoy the piss out of someone had been accomplished. I listened for a moment as someone else hurriedly worked to garner his attention and change the subject. I then created an excuse to rejoin my friends, to depart the conversation and the circle that I had just felt get a bit colder.

So I went back to my small enclave of friends, who were watching the interplay but had no idea of the conversation, I quickly relayed my recent goings on and suggested that we should prep to leave. As we casually gathered our belongings and milled about, James now having had a few minutes to chew on our conversation, began taking mental notes of what Iâ€™d said and asked me a few questions to reiterate a few of my earlier statements as well as, oddly enough, asking me who made the clothes I wore in an obvious state of irritation.

Seeing that the seeds of discomfort, that I had so petulantly planted were now bearing thorns, each of my responses got more or and more brash in response until eventually most of the party was watching us. Once the questions were answered and at least one more drink had to just to show I wasn't intimidated by the budding rock star. I made as polite an exit as I could to the confused looking hostess, gathered my crew and headed out the door, being sure to catch James' eye, right before the door closed and give him the finger.

I ran into the young lady that hosted the party a few weeks later and offered my apologies for disturbing her party.

Undertow dropped a few months later and I loved the hell out of it. When Aenima dropped I loved the album, the bill hicks references were fantastic (as I'd been a hicks fan for a few years at that point) and I was amazed at hooker with a penis. I didn't really think it was about that night at the party, mostly because I didn't really want to admit that it was about that night. I've bought every one of Tools albums (as well as A perfect Circle and Pucifer), and several of the DVDâ€™s, since. Tool is my wife's favorite band and the show they played on September 13th (might have been the 15th), 2001 at the Van Andel was damned good.

I hope to have retold this to the best of my abilities. It has been nearly 20 years now after all and I've tried to leave out too much fluff and over romanticizing of a story of my college days.

I've tried a few times via email and sail mail (through the label) to make apologies to James for that night. Not because Iâ€™m looking for anything but just because I was shitty for no good reason and honestly apologetic for it. I don't know if they were ever properly received or read or taken to heart as honest but if he reads this, I can only say as plainly as I can..

" James, I'm sorry I was a dick. I am wholly sorry, for the way I acted and can only hope that you can forgive me in this matter."

Cheers!

May Help, Health, Happiness and Understanding find you all =)

phox_ · Post by **phox_** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:27 am

Seems fake.

lipanconjuring · Post by **lipanconjuring** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 9:56 am

Reads like some stupid fanfiction shit

Post by **ilikecheese** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 10:30 am

Ravenpig · Post by **Ravenpig** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 11:05 am

I'd say that 96% of us here could come up with that story if we wanted to.

Also, the writer made one big mistake:Â Isn't the "conversation" with the fan (in the song) about the difference between Opiate and Undertow?Â He wrote that Undertow came out after this conversation.

I've always thought of Hooker as an amalgamation (big word) of various conversations he had and not just one.

Post by **badkittygothgirl** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 11:21 am

I've read better Hentai than that crap.

InFlamesOfBirchmen · Post by **InFlamesOfBirchmen** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:24 pm

So the guy is a huge fan, has all Tool records as well as all records from Maynard's side projects, and yet he calls him, "James Maynard Kennan?" Sounds like what we Redditors call a karma whore. The timeline doesn't add up, nor does half the stuff the guy says.

Ravenpig · Post by **Ravenpig** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:55 pm

To be fair, from what I know of reddit, this is a self post and those don't get karma.

I also find caring about imaginary internet points silly. But to each their own.

'][' [[]] [[]] ][, · Post by **'][' [[]] [[]] ][,** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:56 pm

This guy is a drunk driving asshole.

fulcanelli · Post by **fulcanelli** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:58 pm

Man, that sounds like a total load of shit.

Post by **UndKeineZwEier** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:05 pm

So I'm expected to believe this guy remembered the exact conversation he had while drunk 17 years ago?Â Suurrrrrreeeee.

So where did the OGT tattoo come from?

Post by **ilikecheese** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:27 pm

I say we hunt him

Post by **UndKeineZwEier** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:32 pm

Official Fourtheye CheeseMonger said
I say we hunt him

InFlamesOfBirchmen · Post by **InFlamesOfBirchmen** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 1:34 pm

Ravenpig said
To be fair, from what I know of reddit, this is a self post and those don't get karma.

I also find caring about imaginary internet points silly. But to each their own.

You're probably right. I'm a lurker for a reason.

Davvda · Post by **Davvda** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 2:22 pm

I thought we had established that there is no definitive meaning to any Tool songs other than what they mean to the bandmembers. I'm not trying to be a jerk but even though Hooker with a Penis is a very straightforward song I don't see any point whatsoever in analyzing it and trying to figure out the deeper meaning of it.

Calfium Jay · Post by **Calfium Jay** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 3:43 pm

My girlfriend (at the time) met Maynard and Danny at a motel back in '95 after the Alternative Nation festival here in Melbourne (the one that got rained out....yay!!).

She told me she sarcastically enquired of them as to whether or not either of them were Hookers With Penises. Danny laughed in an embarrassed kinda way and said "Well.....". Maynard said "The last time I checked I had a penis and a vagina. But yeah, you can definitely pay me for sex".

Then Maynard left and walked across the street to a take-away store. Danny asked my ex if she liked their music and she said "Well....I'm not really into the heavy bands. My boyfriend (me!) likes Ministry and Big Black. So....."

Danny: Oh those are cool bands. Where is your boyfriend now?

Ex: He's at home. He's too cool for school when it comes to these festivals.

Danny: Cool! See ya.

And that was a true story. Not very exciting but they seldom are.

Ravenpig · Post by **Ravenpig** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 3:55 pm

Davvda said
I thought we had established that there is no definitive meaning to any Tool songs other than what they mean to the bandmembers. I'm not trying to be a jerk but even though Hooker with a Penis is a very straightforward song I don't see any point whatsoever in analyzing it and trying to figure out the deeper meaning of it.

What?Â When?Â Was there a vote or something?Â I'm so confused.

Just Kidding, Opiate, Prison Sex, Crawl Away, Hooker, Aenema, The Patient, Disposition, Reflection, Vicarious, Wings/10K Days, Right in Two, and of course, Maynard's Dick.

All songs (off the top of my head) that aren't lyrically tough to decipher.Â I get that they have plenty of songs where it is, but not everything he writes with Tool is so freaking mysterious.

Post by **hellboy** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:03 pm

Ravenpig saidÂ
What?Â When?Â Was there a vote or something?Â I'm so confused.

Yeah, you missed it. Â "Anal Sex" lost by a small margin to "Maynard's Mom".

Post by **UndKeineZwEier** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 4:21 pm

Ravenpig said

Davvda said
I thought we had established that there is no definitive meaning to any Tool songs other than what they mean to the bandmembers. I'm not trying to be a jerk but even though Hooker with a Penis is a very straightforward song I don't see any point whatsoever in analyzing it and trying to figure out the deeper meaning of it.

What?Â When?Â Was there a vote or something?Â I'm so confused.

Just Kidding, Opiate, Prison Sex, Crawl Away, Hooker, Aenema, The Patient, Disposition, Reflection, Vicarious, Wings/10K Days, Right in Two, and of course, Maynard's Dick.

All songs (off the top of my head) that aren't lyrically tough to decipher.Â I get that they have plenty of songs where it is, but not everything he writes with Tool is so freaking mysterious.

Do I need to post the link to the discussion on the meaning of Intermission again?

markuspoop · Post by **markuspoop** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:08 pm

The original story seems legit.

chair · Post by **chair** » Mon Apr 22, 2013 8:36 pm

Trolled hard.

Post by **UndKeineZwEier** » Sun May 05, 2013 1:57 pm

I was thinking of doing one of these for Pushit, but I don't think I could do it without it being completely ridiculous.

Ravenpig · Post by **Ravenpig** » Sun May 05, 2013 2:01 pm

Heh. Cause this one wasn't?

Post by **UndKeineZwEier** » Sun May 05, 2013 2:06 pm

Ravenpig said
Heh. Cause this one wasn't?

If you want me to write it, all you have to do is ask.

Ravenpig · Post by **Ravenpig** » Sun May 05, 2013 2:19 pm

I won't lie, I'd more than likely read it. I think a healthy amount of people here would read it.

For shits and giggles, what the hell.