Sharpest Tools in the Shed

I got a tip off from Ponix on Toolarmy that there was a Tool interview in this months edition of Ralph magazine.  For those of you, Ralph is one of those mens magazine to afraid to show any nipple! It even censors swear words in the article, which I’ve restored for your reading pleasure. Mental note:  Stick to Playboy Magazine in the future, at least they go oall the way.

Given the content of the rest of the magazine, the Tool interview was surprisingly good.  Fittingly it was between an article on an American Firing Range and a photoshoot with Big Brother’s Krystal.  Here are my favorite bits:

You’re artistic, enigmatic and very angry.  How did you become such a commercial juggernaut?

Danny: From the beginning we had the confidence to say no whenever they were trying to sell us instead of our music.  What are the gonna do?  “We’re going to drop you.” We’d fucking celebrate.

Maynard: We were all willing to keep our nine-to-five jobs.  We had people calling from record companies: “I’m from Dickhead Fuckhole Records and we want you to messenger over one of your demo tapes because Fuckhole Records is verrrry interested in you.”  We’d be like “Well, Fuckhole Records can bring you fat ass down to the gig and pay me $5 for one.”  They’d go “Who the fuck do you think you are?” We’d then say, “We are the guys you’ll call back in about a week.”

Wow, all those years I wasted trying to impress record companies!

Not a fan of Paris (Hilton)?

Maynard: It’s hard to hate her because she’s such a tragic mess.  We were at an Ultimate Fighting Championship event and they were showing the celebrities in the crowd on the big screen.  Paris was in the front row and the showed her, then it was all of a sudden I was like “her fucking tits are out!” [Holds up his camera phone to show a photo of Paris, unaware of her loose nipple].  No-one else saw it, obviously including her.  It’s like when she’s on the runway [red carpet] and the wind blows up her skirt and the cooch is hanging out.  No wonder everyone loves her.

Luckily(?) for us, the article includes said picture of Paris Hilton from Maynards phone.  There’s pictures of Maynard and Danny there (though I suspect they’re not recent ones, M is wearing an APC beanie so it may be from the APC days).  So here’s a picture of Krystal instead: