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Lasange Boobs

It is time to review the new Tool album. It’s a leaked version, but fuck it, it still rocks my cock with a mighty swinging thrust of each odd time signature and rockin’ lick.

Tool – 10 000 Days

1.) Vicarious: The sexy opening track. It starts off with a less then heavy introduction. Random “dee-dee-dee-doo’s” are launched around by Danny Carey… Then suddenly a “DadadadroooooooOOO – BANG” The song gets kicked into action. The sweet awesome riffs glide in and out of reality. Then Maynard comes screaming in, pissed off like! OH boys. “He used a poison in his tea/then kiss you goodbye/that’s my kind of story/it’s no fun, ’till someone dies!” Maynard pisses out with extravegent ease. You almost think the acid didn’t get to his. He cries some shit about a mother holding her child, while he dies, then she looks to the sky, hands raised, SCREAMING: WHY OH WHY??!?!?!? Well you tell’em Maynard, we all watch cause we all need it to. It baisically is Maynard bitching about people being obsessed with horror, and he is just saying, “Just admit it people. I need it, and you need it. We can’ t change till we accept that.” It’s pretty fucking intense, and downright nasty. Danny Carey is all *de de de DOO dad ed ede de de* on the drums, machine gun style — In perfect posture!

2.) Jambi: The next track starts with some nasty chugachugs from Adam Jones – clearly in love with being evil and sad in promo pictures. Then Maynard comes in, completely off-topic, pissing about being on a mountain and feasting. What a doorknob humping dildo fuck. Oh wait, he’d wish it all away, just to have another day with you. That’s good. I was worried Maynard and I’s relationship was onesided. Maynard is using some sexy voice effects, but on top of all that, what gets left out is that Justin Chancelour is putting on a fuck show with his bass. It’s very Dark Side of The Moon-esqu, and his bass skills kick mines ass. This is top-notch. Oh wait, Maynard likes to beg like a hooker all night. Fucking right you quiff tit. “So if I could, I’d wish it all away, if I thought tomorrow would take you away.” Isn’t that fucking romantic? yeah.

3.) Wings for Marie (Part 1): Easily the most epic song Tool has ever done. It’s all triptastic, slow, and meaningful. This, and it’s sequel part (the next track) are fucking genius on another plain. The music itself isn’t overly technical, but it all flows so nicely. Plus this song is about Maynard mother, who lived paralyzed for 27 years (10.000 Days). Then she died, and Maynard was pissed. He actually killed Jesus for it. Jesus was a hippy dildo smoking concshell anway, so who cares? Some of the sexy lyrics which, just like the next track, deserve it’s own little bit:

Daylight dims, leaving cold flouresence…

difficult to see you in this light,

please forgive this selfish question,


what am I to say to all these ghouls tonight?

She never told a lie,


might have told a lie,


never lived one.

Didn’t have a life

Didn’t have a life

but surely saved one…

Well, I’m alright now, it’s time for us to let you go.

4.) 10.000 Days (Wings Part 2): This song picks up where Wings for Marie leaves you. Except this song is more universal, more about how people act like they’d take the high road and be the hero in every situation, but in the end, it’s all just a facade we play out to our buddies. It’s depressing, but I get a toolgasm every time it gets a little ‘heavy’. Maynard’s vocals are soft and in the background, but at times, he sounds like he is going to cry. I suppose I would if I actually gave a fuck’d about me mom. Hey Kyle, I like children. This song is VERY strong lyrically. I love it, if I had a heart, maybe I’d cry? Byut I didn’t know miss Judith Marie Keenan, so who cares!?

High is the wave, but I’ll rise up off of the ground.

You were the light and the way that they’ll only read about…

I only pray heaven knows when to lift you out…

10,000 Days in the fire is long enough…

You’re going home.

You’re the only one who can hold you head up high!

Shake your fist at the gates, saying:

I’ve come home now!

Fetch me the spirit, the son, and the father,

tell’em, their pillar of faith has ascended.

It’s time now,

my time now

Give me my.

Give me my wings.

5.) The Pot: What a fucking sweet track. This song is so girly and manly. It has everything you could want. Maynards like, “I’M JAMES BLUNT, NIGGA” Then he goes, “NAH, I’M FUCKIN’ MAYNARD, BITCH.” He must’ve been high – fuckin’ allusion. Anyway. The music is intense, and besides the line, “Foot in mouth/head up ass/so what you talkin’ bout?” The song isn’t a lyric masterpiece, but I get it, it has a strong message, and it kicks in my ball sack and punches me into the dirt. STONE THE FUCKING KANGAROO COURT, BITCH. HIGH HIGH HIGH WHEN YOU PISSED ALL OVER MY BLACK KETTLE!!!!!!!111111!!!!

6.) Lipan Conjuring: A native american chant… K.

7.) Lost Keys: It’s an intro to the next song, but it is good. It’s a doctor, talking to Maynard, who, by the sounds of things, is stoned (or horny).

8.) Rosetta Stoned: No, they really are in there forties. It’s true, the title is a little rediculous, but it is a great song. Instrumentally, this is one of the most intricute songs that Tool has done, and from a lyrical standpoint – it’s funny as hell. It’s just a mocking of all thos pot heads who claim to know something and learn something when they do acid. Which is a lie, you may get more creative, but you don’t discover the meaning of life. Maynard is talking from a personal perspective – which suits – he is a dope fiend. Just look at the bald cancer victim (no, he didn’t have cancer). Regardless, it’s one of the best on the song.

“So I light his way

like an appiration

he had me crying out:









9.) Intension: It’s a good song, kind of weak in my opinion. It has a nice lyric, and good structure. It’s like Disposition on Lateralus, you won’t love it, but you’ll totally respect it. It’s kind of simple, but it is a good lead in to the next song, which is one of the strongest on the album.

10.) Right In Two: For whatever reason, this is one of my favourite tracks. I just like the message. It’s a good way to end the album. After such an intense album, to finally make it here, it’s rewarding. It’s about monkeys who kill other monkeys. God decided that apes needed thumbs, then they decided they needed clubs, then they decided those clubs would be good for ending other monkeys. It’s so metaphorically deep… I am kidding, but it is a good song. I don’t know why, Maynards all emotional and sad because humans suck

“Monkey killing monkey killing monkey

over pieces of the ground.

silly monkeys,

give them thumbs,

they make a club,

and beat their brother down…

How they’ve survived so misguided is a mystery?”

11.) Viginity Tres: It’s a weird tunnel noise swoosh swoosh. A voice talks, it scares you. That is all.

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17 years ago

You sound like a chav but your review is really funny. I like it. Don’t insult me.

16 years ago

Indeed rather chavvy, but funny.

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